Salem
by happyferret13
Summary: So, yeah, the Doctor travels to Salem, Stefano is pissed with his regenerations, Sami's trying to get him (Or Rory) in bed, and Amy, Gabi and Nicole share pregnancy stories. Randomness. Parodying Days Of Our Lives, and throwing the Doctor Who crew into it for fun.


Here's the first chapter of stupidity. I don't know why I wrote this. And I wonder if anyone else even watches both Doctor Who and Days Of Our Lives. Anyway:

Like sand through an hourglass... actually, no, it's nothing like that, it's just wibbley wobbley stuff, that's the days of my life... lives...

- The Doctor (Okay, maybe he didn't say that.)

"Every time!" exclaimed Stefano, gesturing for no evident reason. "Every time I perfect a new doppelganger for this guy, he changes!"

"I know, Father," EJ replied, obviously annoyed.

"Have Luigi go and get John Black. We need to fake another accident to explain the slight change in appearance."

"Who?"

"Luigi, one of my goons."

"Of course," EJ muttered, evidently annoyed. Stefano walked out, leaving EJ alone for a revealing monologue of him talking to no one in particular. But he had nothing particularly witty to say, so the ever-pithy EJ simply restated the obvious, "Damn, this is stupid."

Meanwhile, Sami was strolling around her apartment, muttering. "EJ or Rafe… or Lucas..." She paused a moment, as if actually considering this. "Which one!?" She weighed the three against each other, and came up with the idea of a foursome, which she knew wouldn't pan out. Though, she reminded herself, it was still worth a shot. Then a look of revelation crossed her face. "I think I've exhausted enough sperm from the three of them already. It's about time a new, handsome young stranger stumbles into Hell – I mean, Salem!" Suddenly, there was knock at the door, and she nearly jumped, smiling. It was her aforementioned new, handsome young stranger, and just in time, too! She bounded to the door and swung it open, putting on her best 'sexy smile'.

"Hello, ma'am," said the young man standing in the doorway. New, check, handsome, debatable, young, certainly. The man would've been handsome wearing something other than the dorky tweed jacket and matching blue bowtie and braces. Maybe… maybe if he were dressed in a sharp tux, sort of James Bond-ish. No, she decided. Shirtless. Maybe if he were shirtless he'd be more handsome, it occurred to her, and without paying attention to a word the potentially handsome man in the doorway said, she began to plot out how she'd manage to get him shirtless. A shameless smile crossed her lips as she stared at the man, who cocked his head and looked at her with concern. "Are you alright?" he asked.

"Oh, yes, I'm fine. Is it hot in here, or is it just you?" she said, trying to be as seductive as possible. Then she slammed the door, ducked in, and called EJ to ask him to turn the heat up. He obliged, so long as she'd go on a date with him. She reopened the door, and the man was still standing there. "As I said, is it hot in here, or is it just you?" She inwardly cheered as the man nodded.

"It is a little hot in here," he admitted, tugging at his collar to demonstrate.

"Well then, big boy, why don't you come in here, take off all those unnecessary clothes, have a glass of some nice, cool sexual intercourse," she said, her seductive level on 'high'.

"Is… is that an Earth beverage?" he stammered, and it was then that he noticed his accent.

"Ooh, I have a thing for British boys," she murmured, pulling him into her apartment. "Well, I guess, considering EJ and all…" She trailed off, abandoning the though completely for pushing him up against the closed door, as he struggled frantically. "So, why don't you tell me your name, then."

"It's the Doctor, and – what are you doing!?" he replied, yelping as she started undoing the bowtie. "That's my bowtie!"

"It's stupid," she said plainly. "And the Doctor's just a title."

"No," he persisted. "It's _cool!" _He paused. "What's _your _name?"

"If you won't tell me your name, I won't tell you mine. But you can call me 'master', big boy, and your safe word is—"

"Ponds!" he cried suddenly, frantically, as she began unbuttoning his shirt. "Ponds!"

"Alright then, your safe word is 'Ponds.'"

"Wait – master, that's what you called yourself?"

"Yeah," she stated, peeling the shirt off his body and pressing his arms to his side simultaneously.

"No!" he exclaimed. "You're… no… you really can't be here. But, even more pressing – you regenerated into a _girl!?" _

"Shh," she quieted him, pressing her lips against his. Meanwhile, Amy and Rory Pond were creeping along the hallways, searching for their friend, the Doctor. Somewhere or another, they thought they heard a muffled "Ponds! Oi! Please, lady, Ponds! That's the safe word!" But Rory brushed it off as a hallucination, and Amy put it up to a steamy sexual fantasy. Sami heard a knock at her door, but ignored it. Until she heard the shouts of EJ, Rafe, Lucas, Roman, Will and two strange voices she didn't recognize, Amy and Rory. She plucked herself off of the Doctor, who was now sprawled out on the sofa, gaping at the woman. She answered the door, and without anyone even saying hello, they all started rambling—

"Hey, who's he!?"

"Doctor! It's… why're you shirtless!?"

"Sami, another guy, really!?"

"Mom! Not again!"

"Sami, I turned the heat up. It's time for that date you… I'm not getting that date, am I?"

They all milled about randomly and confusedly, until someone shouted obnoxiously loudly.

"Enough!" Everyone turned to face the new arrival – it was obviously John Black, wearing a wig that almost resembled the Doctor's hair, though the wig was darker, longer, and evidently designed for women. He was also dressed similarly, though he was wearing a leather jacket as opposed to tweed. "I'm the Doctor!"

"Fool!" a voice shouted from behind; it was Stefano.


End file.
